I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
