Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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