You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize