My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
