Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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