Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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