I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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