Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
