On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
