1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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