After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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