Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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