Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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