New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
