I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize