don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
whose parrot is this?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
