I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
