Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize