omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
