3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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