after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
