Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
