Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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