booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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