your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
