I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
