someone threw a dead crab at me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Found your dick twin last night
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
