Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
