You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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