Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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