I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize