The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize