Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
