My friends, they love my intelligence
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
