you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize