I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
