The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
