omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
