So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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