Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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