I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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