If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize