So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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