Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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