if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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