I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
