I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
