well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
