I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
