For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
