the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Randomize
