just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
