1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
