I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
