Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
