meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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