the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize